Un-Knowing

You questioned us, so you questioned me, and I just knew I was bound to lose it all. Up until then, I had been praised and promised never to be replaced, to be chosen over and over again by you. But now, in the middle of summer, you weren’t so sure anymore. But it wasn’t until that questioning did I begin to wonder about you. How well I really knew you, or what scared you deeply? What were your sickest thoughts, and did you really like yourself? Had I ever asked? Did I really care? It frightened me at first, going back on a belief that had been established as truth, I worried that I might end up alone all because I never questioned; I just pretended to know you were the one. I realize now I know nothing. You see up until then, lulling was my way of covering up shame, and convincing you I had all the answers was my way of avoiding being questioned, because what if I didn’t give the answers you wanted, or didn’t know the answer at all, maybe I wouldn’t be enough. So when all that knowledge came crumbling down, only then did it become a possible notion that none of this was a bad thing. No, you see, I needed this to free me from the false idea I’ve created about myself. I needed to be questioned and forced to think about my answer, to consider all you are, and really listen to your version of you. Don’t you see it? Such precise wondering seems to only take place while we’re falling. And yet somewhere along the way I stopped considering you, I stopped improving, and asking, and listening to our evolution. So you want to consider me? That’s fine. There are only the questions we ask and the decisions we make in light of them. My fear was based on the lie that I could ever find the answer. I haven’t lost it all, I haven’t even lost you because it had always been a question of whether I would wake up every day and choose love. So question me, my dear, and I will answer as myself this time, with my real story. Listen with your heart to fully hold my truth, and for you, I will do the same. After we’ve questioned, we must stand in the light of who we are and from there choose to love or to let go. Either way, may we embrace the dark and the sun, accepting the vulnerability of not knowing, and yet still choosing to love each other.

Published by Miss Parisia B.

Writer, Storyteller, Lover

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