I realized that I lied to you and I’m afraid to take it all back.
I never told you what I needed but I think it may be time.
I need to not always be the ”good communicator” because sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I keep an issue alive for way too long just to hold your attention.
I need to be able to hold anger towards you. I’ve never allowed myself to be mad at anyone other than myself. So when you crave the level of honesty only you are able to give (because you’ve exercised your rage) know you may need to lay your anger down.
I need to sometimes be blameless. I don’t want it to always be my fault. I want you to acknowledge that I will always punish myself more than I will ever punish you and that sometimes I need your grace.
I need to not always be in charge of fixing everything. I’ve failed to fix many things in my life and have suffered those conditions. Can you help me practice the art of not fixing it all?
I need to not always be punished for my mistakes, no matter how prideful they are. Sometimes I don’t want to listen, sometimes I’ll claim to know better. But you reveal everything I’m not. So can I still ask you for help without judgment? Will you still teach me how to love you even after I’ve let you down?
I lied to you when I told you loving me only requires a little.
I’m afraid to tell you I actually need a lot.
That there are two sides to every coin and though loving me can be easy, loving me can be so hard.
I need space to be vulnerable and still be loved.
I need the ability to question and still be right.
I need my confusion welcomed without stripping my competency.
I need to make mistakes and I still need praise.
I want to be serious and still get asked to dance.
The next time I act ugly, I still want to be treated beautifully.
The truth is I have a tendency to lie when I don’t feel safe and I may need you to create magic for me to feel an ounce of safety.
The truth is when I don’t feel good enough for you I’ll find fucked up ways to sabotage my desires but I will still need you to desire me, to caress me, and crave me even though I’ve rejected you.
The truth is that loving me does require endurance from you and I need you to be excited to do the work with me
Because the truth is that I am working on all the things that may make it hard to love me.
I never planned on hiding it from you but I have hidden it my whole life
I am sorry that I lied to you when I was too afraid to exist fully in my own story.
I let go of my fear to be seen and to ask for what I truly need.
I refuse to find shame in my mistakes because I am willing to face them.
I won’t find guilt in my story because my wrongs were birthed out of suffering and not hate.
I can no longer be rejected for my truth because I have done the work.
It takes a lot to love me and it takes love to make me brave, but I am worth it all and I can be oh so fearless.
So I’m not asking you to carry the weight but I’m letting you know its not all mine to carry either.
I am asking you for help, telling you what I need.
Please love me fiercely or choose not to love me anymore.
Because yes it may take work to cherish me but misunderstanding me takes no courage at all.
Miss Parisia B.