Through hell and high waters

I am full of jealousy and resentment. It’s not exclusive to those basking in their glory, but quite frankly extends to anyone who isn’t me. “Darling get off social media” is wishful thinking. For one, I absolutely love seeing people manifest their talents; I just hate the fact that I’m not.

The most unmotivating thing for me is motivation.

I don’t know what I expect from myself, from a partner, or from the world. All I know is that no one is doing enough or doing it right. And another thing, I am beginning to feel insulted by all this praise and love I’m receiving from my inner circle. It seems pretty optimistic, saying I will figure everything out, do the right thing, make the right choice. What the fuck am I doing now?” They can’t answer. They can’t relate because they know how to garden, recycle, how not to waste 18 hours of the day, and love another human being. Meanwhile, I digress onto another line of melodramatic, narcissistic bliss I call writing.

The truth is I have many abilities and accolades to show for them, but it’s not enough. Is this really all there is to this life, cycles? Because I’m bored. Every day is a matter of proving yourself, proving I love them, proving I am okay when I’m not. What is right in this world because I am pretty convinced this is hell.

Anyways, I have a job I like and amazing friends here, so that’s something.

Miss Parisia B.

Photo by Agustinus Nathaniel on Unsplash

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4 Comments

  1. I get it. I feel exactly the same. I’m excited for the people around me but at the same time wishing I didn’t have to work 3 jobs to survive. It takes away time from my son, time away from my family, and time away from myself. I feel starved of joy, peace, and fulfillment. As far as the issue of proving yourself to others, one day you get sick of it and say fuck it! Then you finally come to a decision and just prove to yourself. It’s so freeing. Trust me. Other’s expectations of you are unrealistic because no one knows your soul like you and God. Love you!

  2. Listen to your spirit….it will guide & direct you to PEACE of mind,body & soul. Calif especially OC is a rat race.Folks trying to keep up with the Joneses & living beyond their means & so unhappy, miserable, over worked, under payed, not appreciated or recognized & in unbelievable debt. GET OUT!!! While you can. Don’t buy into the facade or the foo-gazie. Think about what you really want & whats really real. We ALL have enough stuff, so what is it you really NEED not want. Minimize your life & the stuff & people in it. God will tell you what & who is important & what to keep.

    Well I’m moving to Scottsdale in Nov. Too old for the day to day shit that goes on with life here. Found my own little slice of heaven….. I can always return to this shit if I want. Nope….I don’t think so 🙂 I’m out!!! PEACE 🙂

    P.S Congards on the new job Miss P!!!

    1. Thanks for your constant support and relating alongside me. I hope you enjoy your slice of heaven, its always been within you and you exude it so graciously. This isn’t the full-time job I was telling you about… They denied me. But I’m going to do what you said and keep letting you know how that’s working out for me…

      Xoxox P

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