Going into August feels uncomfortable. I am leaning into something new and out of character for myself. Growing up I have always been so sure of myself, what I wanted, and where I was going. I essentially didn’t even need the guidance of my parents because your girl was grown. But as I get older and form relationships with people other than myself, I recognize that what I believed to be true was a poorly drawn up conclusion of myself by myself.
I can recall being in a plethora of relationships where I found myself trying to convince my lovers that I wasn’t petty, or selfish, and that I was maybe even kinda driven. I found myself trying to convince them because after investing more time in me, they themselves weren’t really convinced that any of these character qualities fit the woman sitting in front of them.
Now by no means should we let others dictate who we are and hey sometimes first impressions are rocky. But after a two year relationship and hearing, “I still don’t know you,” I figured maybe there was room for something to change.
So for the month of August I want to approach the whole year of yes notion but revamp it… the intention is for my response to very much still be yes, but more in the sense of:
Friend: “Are you sure you want the truth.”
But like this time for real. This time,
Yes followed by me actually listening and not interrupting.
Yes without getting defensive.
Yes and no BUT.
Yes and no withholding of love or affection b/c my feelings are hurt by what you said.
And yes with time to process, to truly understand, so I can say thank you. I want to assume the position of the student, to recognize that a character flaw doesn’t mean a lapse in judgement or value, but maturity. I want to say yes to growing and trusting that the people who have decided to dedicate their time to loving me aren’t trying to change me, but simply recognize an area in which I can grow. I want to lean into the ways listening to them may help and guide me. What else are friends for if not vessels of grace to usher you into the actualization of your purest self, and love you through the journey.
Current Highs: Showing up and belonging to my journey while embracing a new frequency (while separating from the old).
Current Lows: Work Environment / Being black in a professional space.
August Quote: “What you neglect in your soul will show up in a partner.”
August Intention / Reminder: Practicing gratitude, in the depths of your soul, practicing a deep appreciation for the bigger reason you are here.
Miss Parisia B.
Listening on Repeat
Braving the Uncomfortable Season
Holding On- How do we really know when something has reach the peak of it’s existence. Is it something you feel in the pit of your stomach? And what about the other feelings, the ones with an expiration date as long as the life that was given; what does one do with those?
Accepting– After a breakup one suffers a sort of PTSD, or confusion that must sift through the good and bad memories. A sanity that must make sense of it all. And a madness that remembers too well.
Committing– How we prepare for the battle ensures the outcome. Intention is necessary but intention without dedication to its process is able to be trampled upon.
Coming– Coming to terms with yourself is hard enough without the baggage of every man you ever let enter you weighing you down. Exposing your truth is where you find freedom.